It was one of those days, you probably know the sort, she'd only started cleaning the oven, and ended up on a rollercoaster ranting, being angry and crying like a baby.
Was it because it was Christmas? Or that the oven hadn't been cleaned for so long it was un-cleanable, in fact, it really needed chucking out. Sometimes, everything just comes to a head, especially at Christmas! Then she found herself, suddenly flea picking at her whole life, and existence, where had it all got her? The next statement of 'why am I such a failure' was so predictable.
She could have been anything! What is it, that it takes, to move her forward? What is it, that was missing from the piece of the puzzle?
Or maybe the soul searching of loss of friends, and family, none of that could ever be fair!
Sometimes, it was like she was being dragged, kicking and screaming into the next era of her life, and she just didn't like it, and definitely what was happening within it! Grief, it just seems to end up like a big hole in your emotional centre, that can, and will erupt at any given moment in time, usually when the timing is not right.
With such irreplaceable people, as if, anyone could be? People, so loved, so unique, such teachers, no wonder there's so many holes. How do you find another? How do you reach out to inspirational people you need around you, when there's no physical interaction because their not there any more? It seemed she was so busy creating a life, that there was no one around to share it with her, because it took her all her time, just to pay the rent. It all brings home your own mortality, how would it be viewed, if she was no longer around, who would care? Does it matter about the numbers of people, or the quality of relationships, just one or two? She decided, quality is everything.
And all the unfair situations, she'd been subjected to in her life, why her, why did she have to go through all that, why is that anger still there? because she just felt like, curling up in a ball and saying well stuff you! I don't care, your driving it, you deal with it! It was never her concern in the first place. Would it be better for everyone, if she just lied to people? She'd always tried to find answers, well maybe they weren't for her to find anyway. But, she'd always been honest and true to all.
Smiling needed to be real she felt, the same as love.
You can always tell the people, who care for you, because they are, the people who do. Their not complicated relationships (well no more than usual), you can 'feel' when a relationship is real, or whether it's forced, because they 'want' to know you, and not just, because of what material possessions, you've got. Giving up, she'd never want to 'have to lie' to anyone she cared about. She certainly wasn't going to start now.
Some people are driven by possessions, she was never one to sell her soul, ever to do anything, that didn't bring her joy, (okay yes, housework etc.) maybe, that was a downfall, the fact, she would never spend 40 hours per week, putting on an act, wasting her life, doing something that was meaningless, just for money? Was that a plus or against, she wasn't sure, but even now it still seemed like prostitution.
But then, even training cannot provide a passion full job unless she moved, so there was only one thing to do, and that wasn't easy either, working for herself. She'd been the receptionist, the office worker, the production person, the mailer, the creator, oh and yes then there's the marketer and finally clinching the deal salesperson. Jeeze, she needed to be a clone just to get through all of it, and it was nearly Christmas!
Then the strangest thing to her, was that after one of those days, she'd pick herself up again, and be even more determined to 'be' that person, to find that jigsaw piece. Knowing that she was brilliant at what she did, not meant in an egotistical way, just in a, looking at results way - but, how do you market that?
After all, business is not rocket science, is it? she asked questioningly? When those that she couldn't talk to anymore, couldn't ask, she needed to open the door to finding other people that truly cared.
She realised it was because she wouldn't do what everyone else was doing, because she valued her life, her time, that she felt driven, to make a difference, or to do something, that was worthwhile with her life. Otherwise what was life all about ? Surely it's not just meaningless, like you're just meant to entertain yourselves as it goes by? with frivolities, strictly, with suduko, come on, there must be more to it than that?
Being born an artist has its difficult side because as artists, her life, was art! Her expressions and gifts. Is it wrong to be ethical, true, wise, strong, but most of all, painfully honest as a human being, because that's what we all are. We all have the same feelings, the same off days especially creative people.
Do you ever have days like this? Stupid question because I know you do. All I know is, its necessary sometimes, to let go and to grow.
Maybe that's what this is all about, the end of this year and letting go, of all unwanted baggage, to move into the next new year, free and liberated.
